RU Field notes at 8 months; 'arted' potatoes

We have taken much longer to regain our balance after our visit to NC than I'd have thought. If it were usually that difficult we'd not go there for a whole month! In some ways we are recapturing our joy, though.
We carved 12 pumpkins for Halloween--plus some potatoes! First Burke (8yo ds) asked to carve a potato, since his carving energy exceeded available pumpkins (we'd already gone back to the store for more once). He announced that he was producing 'arted' potatoes (isn't art a good verb!) his first effort was carved into bits. His second became a bivalved oval box, amazingly polished. Emily (10 yo dd) took that idea and carved two potatoes into tiny jack-o-lanterns. Our new discovery of tiny flickering plastic candles made it safe for the tiny pumpkins and potatoes to be lit. Granville made sure to be awake for all this. He carved two himself. I have been so happy to find that if G (13 yo ds on a night owl-schedule) is warned of an upcoming fun activity during the afternoon, he will make sure to be awake for it. We have thus enjoyed his company on two hikes, some shopping, and halloween decorating 3 times! G said for him it was the best Halloween since we moved to town from the country (upon the dissolution of our marriage). This is saying something for a 13 yo who really looked forward to wearing a Link costume, then sadly decided when it came that he looked "like Peter Pan" and so he had no suit for Halloween. He carried a sword and a big smile.
Burke and Em are enjoying reading more and more, challenging themselves and clearly feeling so much more free and secure. Em did request a 'math lesson' in which she wanted a review of the symbols of addition and subtraction so she'd not forget them. She still says to her schooled friend that "Math is my favorite subject" but 10 minutes of official math was enough, and she hasn't asked to do that again. She has redecorated her room, explored more contemporary fashions, and sought to figure out the difference between high school and college. Burke has been a bit adrift as one of his 2 friends moved away, and his other friendship is changing. He is interested in figuring out money and telling time on a 'round clock,' not 'just a numbers clock.'
G is starting to verbalize some of the process he has been going through in his deschooling, which I suspect is a word not quite strong enough for the self-and-life-examination he's experiencing. He is not having an easy time of it. But such a thing is never easy. He talks more of how he felt when his dad lived with us. His dad was a parent whom I think would have liked to live when children were seen but not heard (and not too much being seen either, please). I knew that I was fighting for the kids' self esteem then but I see it didn't work too well. I am so grateful for this time G has to work on this. Because he stays up mostly from 5:00 pm to 7 or 8 am, I often wake up and spend 1 or 2 hours with him in the middle of the night. My goal is generally just to be with him. Sometimes he talks. I had felt like his deschooling was on a path many have described and although I'll admit I wouldn't hope that his whole life would be spent on the couch watching reruns, I felt that there was plenty going on inside him for now. He also began expresing dissatsfaction with continuing that, though he clearly hadn't decided where he'd like to go next. We discussed it. He asked for Rosetta Stone Japanese and we got it (Em got French and I got Italian!Fun!).
Then one night I woke at 4:00 am and felt awake, so I went down to be with G, saying I'd watch TV with him. He turned it off, and said, "So, how do you think this unschooling is going?" He had been a great proponent of starting it in March. I replied that I'd like to hear his thought first. It was then I discovered that at least right now he thinks of himself as "a 13 yo with a 2nd grade education." He said "I am going to run out of answers" and said that he'd come to feel that he'd been learning nothing since he finished second grade at a small private school. Which he hated at the time. This was not the same conversation in which he asked me to "push him through" 2 or 3 grades of formal curriculum so he could enter school and be popular.
He wants help to find more social outlets. I have gotten a list of some names of people with boys his age who homeschool. Not that we wouldn't be friends with school kids, but the two he has been friends with have given him the freeze treatment this year and he wants to look elsewhere. Also we discussed some afternoons spent with a large variety of people in the community, which I think will expand his social base, too. He had chosen to attend a tiny youth group weekly at the church right behind our house, but the other 3 attenders were girls and now 2 of these have moved away. Maybe boy scouts? I was thinking that Japanese language and visiting people in the community were a good start. But he has only used the Japanese once and he seems to be worried that he'll spend his life in the couch corner. Is this the worried, catastrophizing voice of my parents? I was never supposed to amount to anything either. Too scatterbrained and lazy. Too shy, too awkward. A fear-based assessment with which they meant to help me! I had a crash-refresher course in negativity this fall at their home and if I'd known what it would be like, our visit would have been a week, not a month!
Some of their fear rubbed off on me as it can, like a plague. I'd like to scrape it off me as if I'd fallen into a cesspool. I am angry and still working on my forgiveness. I wonder if this is why G is having this acute phase of doubt, though I think he has a vulnerability there anyway. I am just waiting and loving and trying not to let him down. I am frequently overloaded and can drop the ball if I am not careful.
So as usual life goes on. I love Anne O's reminder that life and learning aren't separate. I just read Holt's Instead of Education and I really appreciated the idea that education is something 'done to someone' and knew that's not what I see as valuable or desirable. I still need reminders; I am still deschooling.
We are working on some other long-range plans, too. We all want to go to Italy and have joined a house-exchange program. We also want to refurbish and partially remodel our 105-year old house (new floors, new paint, turn an attic into a room for G so he and Burke don't have to share). We have needed to do this for so long and just can't get it done around all our flotsam and jetsam. So--with friends' help we are taking most of our stuff to a shed and with a nearly empty house we can get it done. As long as I can help the kids with their fears that I'll jettison their prize stuff (I wouldn't) or turn into Ms House Before Kids (I couldn't) we can do it. We started yesterday before I came to work (all night) and the results so far made me so happy. Em and Burke were very happy all day, too. No bickering over small stuff as they had for several days, just very happy. Seeing my enjoyment of getting our home nicer might indeed have rubbed off on them. They offered to help quite a bit, including offering to take huge bags of garbage to the dumpter (higher than their heard). I mentioned that I'd love that but recalled having garbage fall on my head the year I was a janitor for a pizza place. So they tied the bags shut. Situation dealt with. They also cooked a pizza in the microwave in their own. they loved it, I loved it.
I had a stomach virus all week and Burke had it severely for less than 24 hours. Ugh. Hope no one else gets it. G had a bad cold last week, and gave himself 400 mg of ibuprofen while I was at work. He tentatively told me, and when I said, "That's great! I am sorry that I couldn't be here but so glad that you knew what to do," he said "That's exactly the response I hoped for." I think this deschooling is loosening my unconscious controls on them and I am so glad. I want to do that but I often can't tell where I need to do it.
So after Granville told me his worries about unschooling, I told him I thought that we were still deschooling and that I thought that was OK. And that I would get him a formula-style curriculum if he really wants one and help him understand how to use it but I did not feel he could be pushed through anything, nor did I want to, nor did I see the value in that. He says he learns best from hands-on, not from books and computers, so we decided to look into more of that (like the afternoon mini-apprenticeships) and see where it goes.
I am grateful to have this time with them!

RU Field notes at 6 months, post 1

We are back from a hard visit to my relatives in NC. My extended family certainly 'backslid' in their viewpoints of us and our unschooling, or their previous interest and tolerance was feigned. I have no idea. To make matters odder, I attended (with my 13 yo son) a 2-hour talk by my Dad at a show of my Dad's artwork. Most of the listeners were college students or teachers. His talk could easily have been a summary of unschooling philosophy! Little wonder unschooling often feels to me like a comfortable old shoe. As he spoke I realized that these ideas were said around the dinner table and among friends visiting our home all my childhood. But they were perceived to be the sole purview of adult artists, not a viable/safe approach to most of life, certainly not for one's actual children, who are not to take risks. The myriad reasons why my creative, artistic parents would be hypercontroling of us when we were kids and sometimes when we are grown are as complex as real humans are! I recognize that fear is a major cause.
My kids, though they cried so hard to leave their grandparents, are somewhat relieved, as we find ourselves able to return to ourselves! To be ourselves again. Not that we were fake, but it was more like we were unable to open our wings, like a butterfly made to emerge from its
chrysalis in a small jar.
Now my 8 year-old has no schooling requests; he is so happy to get back to his prolonged fantasy stories and creative play. My 13 yo experienced a period of insecurity and asked me if we could get a packaged curriculum and do two years in one year, so he could say that he 'skipped a grade'. (We wouldn't know what grades to buy!) I replied that as long as he really wanted that, I'd help him have it, but why did he want it? Answer "Because Mike did it, and he seems so smart." Then we thought about that for several days, as well as the idea of school. We talked about what he really wants to do with his time. He ended up saying that he'd like it if I'd order Rosetta Stone for Japanese, and resume more 'teaching of things you (Mom) feel are important.' He threw that comment out about me 'teaching more again' when I couldn't discuss it (unpacking the car from the month-long trip) so I don't yet know what he meant there. Emily, age 10, asked for more math, said that she was forgetting too much. And asked
for Rosetta Stone French.
The kids also spent time with their Dad (my ex) and last year we had an unpleasant letter after their visit to him, full of educational and child-developmental jargon (his SO is actually head of early child education ot the local university) and requests to test for dyslexia, etc. I hope that we don't get repercussions from this visit!! Of course he is very controlling and judgemental, too....a result of my silly brain's attraction to what feels familiar from childhood!
Good things resulted in plenty despite all the above! My kids got to see an accurate depiction of my childhood stressors, and we discussed the effects on me and them often and seemingly very directly. It sure was a nitty-gritty lesson about family complexity, forgiveness, grace, tolerance, and love, and how to extend these things without compromise of one's self. And there were the many obvious good things, like the rope swing over the lazy old river, the walks on the beach, the times of loving connection.
Last night, as Emily (10) lay beside me, she said, "It's so good to be back in our own home. It's kinda dirty, and feels so friendly, and it's as good as a park for fun. I love you, Mom!" I am so grateful.

RU Field Notes at 5 months; 2

I've gotten a worried call from my dad about Granville's schedule. His nocturnal schedule was described above in post 1. The kids were with my parents 2 days then went to their Dad's.
My Dad said, "I am worried about G. All he does is watch TV." I told him what G said he is really doing (see post 1). He protested, "No, he just looks like he is only watching." So I reassured him that G could never have said the things he said if he were not in the process of real interior exploration. I pointed out that in my opinion plenty of adults have never done the work G said he's doing! Books are written to help folks do it...G is starting to figure it out at age 13. I am starting to know for sure that that's worth more than all the 'education' there is.
We will spend 4 weeks with my parents, who generally remind me of how I used to be about homeschooling/unschooling. They truly mean well, but their fears make them push the kids. It used to be bad and for awhile I limited their access to the kids but they have caught on. I used to allow their fears to rub off on me, but I am trying to center myself, to let things like the above interchange remind me how wrong it is to do that to the kids and our family.
I have never been able to get my parents to read unschooling literature. This time I will take the book Homeschooling Our Children, Unschooling Ourselves. My parents are retired teachers (my Dad taught art at a local university and my mom taught kindergarten). They have had a real struggle with the perception that I have negated and rejected what they chose as a career. As I say, they have come a long way. I hope they may consider reading a bit.
I am so glad to be soon rejoining the kids. I hope to have some posts telling about our adventures in North Carolina.
Anybody have any comments on how to help my parents see what I see in the kids' lives? I have realized that my habitual intense, attentive listening, although usually good, makes people think that I am open to redirection! Ha, ha...not this time. But I also believe that 'forceful communication' is nearly an oxymorn, so I don't do that unless I have to swoop in and save a child, which I don't have to do much anymore.
Thanks for reading!

Field notes at 5 months; 1

I started radical unschooling as best I could from a fairly clueless stance on March 1st, 2007. I started in in the real spirit of RU, with full (joyous) consent of the one child who wanted to help decide where our homeschooling journey should go next. And the other two requested to be allowed to play while we pondered this decision...so they did as they wished, too.
Whether we ever really have unschooled yet is debatable. Probably we are still actually deschooling. I'd guess the segue is subtle anyway, so I don't know. I really want to get at this business of unschooling but sometimes I think it's like trying to go somewhere that you've never been, with no real maps, but lots of opinions on how to get there. I'd like to holler from the backseat "Are we there yet?" but I have let go of the steering wheel and I don't see anyone driving!
I'd like to share what I have seen so far. I'll be telling some things I love and some I really dislike. I would love feedback from anyone with interest and time to give.
My 3 kids are Granville, ds, age 13, Emily, dd, age 10, and Burke, ds, age 8. I am a single mom, and enjoy my job as an ER physician, plus love that it gives me lots of time with the kids. We have a lovely and diverse group of homeschoolers in our town, and I feel free to discuss our RU adventure here, though not many seem interested in trying it! That is, I've had kind support/no rejection, but no real kindred adventurers.
OK, the report starts with something wonderful. All 3 kids were, naturally, traumatized by our marital distress and eventual divorce. I have taken them to therapy, dealt with grief openly, done what I could, but pain, grief and anger are still part of our lives.
On a recent 5-day trip, Granville and I were`alone in a hot tub outside. He said, "I have spent all my life being told what to do, what to say, and hiding who I really am. I am having to learn who I am. I am moody because a lot of anger I felt and wasn't free to express is coming out. I am feeling it, and I might seem crabby. I think that I am not who I pretended to be." I sat in amazed silence. He said, "Well...??" I felt so honored to be told this and so scared to bruise this trust, which I swear that I had tried to foster before, but may have failed. I said finally that plenty of 50 year-old people couldn't even do what he said he was doing, and I was glad. I asked if I could help, but he said, "No, what I am doing is working."
Now I have actually had a hard time with his current schedule, which is out of step with the schedule of the household, and which means that we all miss Granville. His preferred schedule is to fall asleep anywhere from 4 to 7 am, sleep all day, get up for supper, then start watching TV at 8:30 and watch all night. We have just plain MISSED him! But now I see that he is doing something crucial.
Now a smaller, less apparently dramatic report from Emily. But it feels pretty important to me. Emily hasn't learned to read fluently as yet. Last year we did formally work on reading, with regularity, and to me she did well. But she retained a self-image of a nonreader. The last 5-6 months I have left it up to her. Now she says "I am reading much better. Last year when you were teaching me it was too hard, but now I am reading lots of things on my own."
Burke, when asked how he likes unschooling, says "Well, it's great, isnt it...like just living." But tellingly, he has fewer breakdowns (in which he hurts himself or breaks something). And Emily, who can become easily explosive, is also much calmer.
The kids have just left with my mother for 2 days with my parents then 11 days with their Dad. It's hard for us in many ways and I am anxious about our RU/deschooling getting derailed. They will not have much autonomy and esp at my ex's house they'll get a lot of judgement. His S.O. would have to be the director of early child ed at the local university!
Does visiting judgmental people who have no concept of unschooling start the deschooling back at ground zero, as has been suggested occurs when the primary/resident parent(s) backslides and "gives 4 pages of math"? I reassured them we would still be unschoolers when the visit was over, and that they could just continue unschooling in their hearts all the time.
Maybe the contrast will help them enjoy our own home approach but I wish they could be less pulled in different directions...
I will soon rejoin them. I may use the documentation recommended to help me see and appreciate, really take in what they do daily. I am so disorganized/chaotic that's hard for me to even keep track of the same notebook daily! I always say I have a paper-repelling curse on my life. Thus, this blog! To anyone who is willing to read it, I say thanks so much! Cameron